I am not who I used to be. I have become a greedy, whiny, lazy and selfish person. Overall just a complete asshole. It is no wonder I am continually sick. I don’t deserve to be healthy. So many other human beings living in this world deserve to be healthy. I don’t.
I know why I am like this now. I have seen it happen to others. I have warned myself again and again never to become like this. I have tried everything possible to prevent it from happening. But it really doesn’t matter what I think or do, it’s bound to happen.
No matter how hard you fight life, it’s going to happen.
I have really had more than enough. Seriously. 25 years is more than enough for me. I am simply not interested in the whole notion of being alive for the next 40 years… I don’t want to have loads of money. I don’t need to see every interesting corner of the entire world. I don’t have a huge desire to get married, or start a family or have kids or grow old with somebody. And face it, who’s looking forward to all the global warming/end of the world/world war III?
I hope for humanity’s sanity that one day everyone will be able to choose freely when to exit life. Without judgement. Like it’s normal. It probably won’t happen in my lifetime, but I hope one day it will.
if you don’t have terrible vision you don’t understand what it’s like lying in bed with your glasses off vs lying in bed with your glasses on. when you don’t have your glasses on the world is a hazy blur. the only thing that exists is the two feet surrounding you. basically your bed. not wearing your glasses in bed is like a comforter for your mind. it’s like, “this is it. this is the only world i see right now.” having 20/20 vision in bed must be exhausting. what’s it like having to look at all these things that aren’t your pillow? i can’t even see the clock from here. not even time exists in my bed world.
The state of indecision is where agony lies. No, wait, agony lies in the space and time after the decisions are made as well. Agony is everywhere, at all times.
But when the answer surfaces in the messy cloudy bubbling soup we call life, there is a moment of clarity and calm. Oh, there it is.
I will try as much as possible to remember that feeling that is not agony.
I used to think that I was normal, ordinary, and like the common folk. One of the majority.
Today I suddenly realised that I am one of those oddballs. I am weird and strange. One of those outliers in a group.
The epiphany is a relief, honestly. I can be a recluse without as much fretting as before.