“Stop being so passive,” the doctor said. “Start being assertive. Tell people what you want. Be angry. Blame others. Lash out. Don’t keep all that nasty stuff inside.”

I didn’t really understand. But I dug around the internet, and now I think I know why he told me that. 

I haven’t realised that that is the way I communicate. Zero assertiveness. Passive. When something bad happens, I blame myself. When it’s someone else’s fault, I tell myself I could have been more understanding. When I’m angry, I think I have no right to be. When I want something, I convince myself I don’t deserve to have it. Nobody is wrong to me, because everyone has their own opinion.

What do I want to do? Oh, anything is fine, really. What do I want to eat? Oh, anything you want, what are you craving? Where do I want to go? Oh, anywhere is fine, where do you feel like going? 

It’s terribly peaceful. I have no quarrels, because I have zero assertiveness. I listen, really listen when someone else talks, and I respect what everyone has to say. When did all these become a bad thing?

The older I get, the more I don’t understand about living. It’s like I’m unlearning all the basics.